Here goes nothing...
Succumbing to much pressure, I've decided to blog my thoughts that I voiced this past 4th of July. Seeing some of the dissappointing (yet expected) posts on the guestbook have made me think of some other fucked up shit. So I lump everything together:

For those that don't me too well, I was raised in a fairly devout Catholic family. At age 8 I became an alter boy, and no, I have never had any sick experiences with priests. Once I became a teenager, I stopped going to mass and quit "practicing" any religion at all. Yep, punk rock took over and I was an Anti-establishment, pro-animal, sexism fighting, no nuke, system bashing peace punk (tm).

I felt free in the scene, more in my element. I soaked it all in... gigs, records, videos, zines, protests, and any two-bit xeroxed flyer full of radical political thought. Needless to say, it was a change for me, but was it really different than what I was in before? Sure the belief system was different. But was I any more free?

In all my days of church going, I had never been so subjected to such close minded people. Yep, you read that right. The peace punk scene was LESS open minded. The people were more uniform in thought than the people I met in the Catholic Church. As ironic as it is, if you didn't follow the party line, you were looked down upon.

Reality can sometimes suck. And the reality of the situation is that peace punk did more to make me feel guilty. I had guilt over eating meat. I had guilt over trying to get into college. I had guilt over looking at an attractive woman. That's truly fucked up! Imagine that... a former alter boy didn't worry too much about sex until he became a punk. How much worse can it get? For fear of being seen as SEXIST, I avoided talking to women. Because many a time, my interest was met with anger and my motives were questioned. People thought I was just shy (which is true), but there was more to it. I tired of being under the microscope whenever I opened my mouth. It wasn't just about sex either.

Opening an anarchist ceneter involved some planning and the "collective" was short on common sense. Once, at an "anarchist" meeting of all places, I dared to disagree with a woman who everyone respected. Why? Because her idea was fucking stupid, that's why! When I called her on it and argued that her idea was bad, someone bothered to ask if I had a problem with a woman voicing her opinion. Of course not. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has them. But now the assholes are having opinions, and they're making decisions. It's little wonder why L.A.'s very own "De-Center" failed so miserably.

Does this mean that everyone associated in punk or the anarchist movement is a piece of shit. No, it doesn't. Do I hate punk? Hell no. I will always be a part of it. It will always be a part of me. Just last week, Ed and I downed a few pints and just reminisced about the gigs, parties, and people we missed. We talked about the first time we heard Conflict, we talked about first time we went to a gig. We just smiled and laughed. Dammit, I want to feel like that again. Litmus Green won't provide that for Ed anymore. I would be pissed off at him if he stayed with it (you think he's grumpy now?!?!). And if I look across the stage and see MY FRIEND uncomfortable, you can bet your ass I'm not happy either.

Do I have to accept what any band tells me? Fuck no. Punk has taught me to question everything, even punk itself. I look at the things I believed in 15 years ago. Most of those things are still there for me. Some aren't. Some have changed. Why? Because I refuse to be a self righteous asshole and think I figured out everything when I was 18. You know, racist still sucks. It always will. But my ideas of fighting racism have changed. I think some other methods might be more effective in keeping these idiots in check. I guess that means I'm "too old" or "grown up." There's a difference between giving up and growing smarter through experience.

Fuck those people who want me to be a static, stoic mind for the rest of my life. I will continue to think things through. And if I find something that makes more sense than my previous ideals, so be it. What I am going to do? Deny a self evident truth and stick to a flawed philosophy? I'll leave that to the carbon copy kids I see in uniform, complete with a "There is no authority but yourself" stencil on the back. When I was in Resist & Exist ('90-'92), it went from something important to a waste of fucking time. I never regretted leaving and I just wish I didn't wait so long before trying a band again. I won't make that mistake again.

Funny thing is, Crass went through this same thing. And they are all the better for it.

Lare

Posted at 18:49 # G